“One can’t believe impossible things”, said Alice.
“I daresay you haven’t had much practice”, said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
We, of the BDSM community are conjoined through a mutuality of our psychology (and, hearts). Together we are so much more than we found ourselves previously to be as individuals seeking the ‘unknown.’ We are known, if not to ourselves, then to one another.
Discovering what it is we are (especially to ourselves) is not easy.
First we have to accept our ‘perversions.’
Then we have to accept that they are ours.
Then we have to accept ourselves with our perversions.
Then we must accept that others have perversions.
Then we should accept their perversions (in as much as our individual and cultural morality and ethics allow us to).
Then, we are faced with their reality.
‘It ain’t easy.’ It causes some to lose their mental stability, join a convent (for the cross dressers out there, this can be a goal anyway), to strain the relational boundaries with the one’s we love, lose a job, seek psychiatric care, or simply strain our very foundations that have brought us to where we are.
Then once we are established, set, found, and ‘bound’ to it… we find that there are people who we believed were “part of the life” (and therefore, in essence, part of our very selves) telling us we are ‘wrong’ about some aspect of our tenets, stating that we are ‘incorrect,’ ‘untrue,’ ‘unreal,’ and ‘impure’ to these things we had held as ‘self-evident.’ They inform us (their perception or reality) that our personal version, our personal vision, and (therefore) our personal values are incorrect.
For a group that preaches tolerance for various proclivities and customs, we can be awfully intolerant of one another. We speak of communication, but often times that degenerates into divisive discussions with no winners and everyone losers. There are disagreements about style, methods, behavior, and kink. There are major disagreements about organizations, money, and structure. Eventually these discussions or debates are no longer communication but ‘verbal beating of the non-consensual manner.’
Often times, outside observers to the argument can see that the people involved are talking about the same things, but in different languages, or, are simply unwilling to concede the points (often minor) required to come to a consensus and end the fray.
It can be rather upsetting for all parties to say the least.
This happens in all walks of life; but, I believe it is more prolific and obvious in the scene because of our unique dispositions relative to the rest of the populace at large. I am not speaking of the fact that we are approximately half comprised of “Dominants.”
Anyone witnessing one of these “discussions gone wild” would more than likely see a ‘submissive’ as ardently enmeshed in the midst of the debate as any dominant sort.
Together, we are people who are “partially self-actualized towards a belief of who we are.” We are constantly redefining ourselves and our beliefs in an attempt at a refined self-definition. This carries over to highly developed senses of ‘right and wrong’ about the minutest details of ‘what it is that we do.’ Most of us have found acceptance in our lives through our interaction within the community, and reinforcement of our beliefs through the same. There are web sites, and books, munches and lectures ‘ad nauseum.’ We are not perfect in our ‘actualization.’ Therefore we are definitively not enough aware enough to understand others. We, at times, cannot see beyond our “egos.”
We are not this way because of any “inherently divisive nature.” We are a community-based population, seeking others out for commiseration and admiration (ok, we like to be bragged about). But: we can be aware enough of the personal perspective and STILL not come to a comprehension that there are other ones that NEED to be seen to get a more comprehensive picture.
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The Train
A few years ago I was riding the Long Island Railroad into New York City. I chanced to be reading a book by one the major kink authors about some penchant in the life. I sat there, deciding to be nonplus about the reading material. Since it was not a pictorial, I thought that I was safe from prying eyes… well… except for the cover of the book that demanded some attention through a glossily photographed female form tied and bonded in alluring pose.
I read all the time on the train, and, seldom get the opportunity to read in any other setting. My desire to review this book was something of an overriding thing with me. It was a gift I had possessed for some months. I wanted to read it. The giver of the gift wanted me to read it (and, had already asked several times ‘how it was’). I was determined to do so… and, the train was (finally) the designated place.
Unless someone was to look closely at the content of the book or the cover, I would not offend anyone. New Yorkers are notoriously insular and self-absorbed by life while riding the train. I was determined not to be concerned about this. If they looked close enough to see what I was reading, they were snooping… and “to hell with them.”
I sat there in unconcerned repose with my book, when at the next stop more travelers got on. As the train is normally rather full, I had expected (and was not disappointed) in the arrival of a seatmate to occupy the space beside me. He sat down resplendent in his three-piece Brooks Brothers suit, immaculate silk tie, and matching accoutrements required for the daily grind of a Manhattan business day.
The doors shut, the train commenced shivering along. I wondered if he was noticing my book, if it upset him at all, or, interested him. Then I was once again set my mentality on the book and his presence retreated.
A few minutes later, I realized the man was staring over towards me. I got that ‘odd’ feeling one gets when being looked at… the look sideways confirmed that this person was staring in my direction and reviewing the goings on in my seat.
He cleared his throat and looked away. A few minutes later, he was back staring and was now moving (doing the jig of the uncomfortable and angling away from me in his seat). Secretly I felt a small amount of disdain for his discomfort; he was (after all) spying on my reading (something simply not done in polite society).
I chose to ignore him and his discomfort as I turned the page. He rose, and went to the doors and stood there, back to me through the remainder of the trip.
I was rather surprised at this reaction. Certainly, should he have chosen to see what I was reading, I could imagine a sneer or even a slightly startled reaction. But, here you have a metropolitan, supposedly worldly man who was visibly upset and agitated at something somewhat less than pornography.
I mused about this for a short time and slowly settled back to the reading, leaving him at the door.
The train-ride completed, I placed the book into my leather (what else?) briefcase and rose to leave. Checked all my property in place and watched the doors slide open as the people queued to exit the train.
As I walked towards the door, the coolness of the winter wind whipped through the train chilling all exposed skin as it might on any January day.
My fly was open.
“‘If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now,’ said Zaphod emphatically.”3
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Perception and reality
Perception is our ability to define the ‘subjective reality’ in which we live.
That is to say: We take in information, think about it to some degree, mull it over with previous experience, place it within the context of our accumulated values, perhaps even concentrate and consciously debate it within our frame of reference and the setting we are in… …then we behave in specific and unique ways. This behavior is unique to our personal experiential basis. They are what we determine is the ‘right’ way based on the chaotic presence of our consciousness and our ‘selves.’
All of this may occur within the space of less than a second. We do not need any more time. We simply use the accumulated thoughts, recollections, previous experience, what we know of other people’s experiences, our socialization (that attitude we carry from our friends, parents, even society) to consciously or unconsciously act and react to the thing we are mulling over. And, we may not even realize we have made any decision at all… …it may seem natural in the split second between ‘inherent cognition’ and action/reaction.4
We are bio-electrical machines of immense complexity, finely tuned through centuries of evolution and decades of socialization that behave and react in very similar fashions. But, we are not the same. All our individual experiences and method of sensory input is very much acclimated to ourselves.
We are (in effect) individuals in the finest sense of the term. We are all very different, despite any similarities. Even the study of fraternal twins has shown them to be significantly different, psychologically and physiologically from birth. Their personal experiences being just ‘that much’ varying in the womb to their mentality and their bodies.
So how would the rest of us compare when we consider how different our outlooks truly are?
Perspective in cognitive thought.
In 1690, John Locke5, the eminent philosopher, mathematician, and scientist, thought on this long and hard. He wondered whether another individual perceived things in a truly unique way from himself… and… whether he, in turn, saw things differently from others as well as yourself.
He postulated that if he saw a color (red for instance) as ‘red,’ would you… could you… possibly see it as what he thought of as ‘green’?? And if you saw this as his version of ‘green’ could someone else see it as what might be perceived as yellow?
But, since we all were so used to defining the colors we saw by the terms that were familiar to us, and all other people (despite whatever color they saw) defined this using the same terms… then we were all on the same page, unable to tell that we were seeing completely different things… but, saw them in our own way, and called them the same thing.
“No two men see the world exactly alike, and different temperaments will apply in different ways a principle that they both acknowledge. The same man will, indeed, often see and judge the same things differently on different occasions…”6
One day (it may feel like yesterday if you are similar to me) you came to a realization in life. You did not fit into the ‘normal scheme of things’ in the endeavor of human interrelationship. You found that some preference of yours, some urge, or some mannerisms of your personality were precluding you from enjoying a life that felt ‘fulfilled.’ You felt scared, anxious, worried about it, or simply filed it away as something that was not ‘right’ and, therefore, not to be thought about any more.
You (at some point) found that there were others like you. You were all ‘perverts’… people who were not what society generally considers to be ‘normal.’
Now, this individual (we will continue refer to as ‘you’) had discovered a way of thinking and looking at yourself and others that denoted a personal preference beyond most people’s comprehension. Upon recognizing this in ‘you’ and the fact that a community existed, you may have felt a jolt pass through you of understanding, pleasure, and possible awakening. Perhaps a rush of something electrical passed through your mind as a realization of immense proportion was finally actualized in conscious thought (although in many instances ‘you’ were aware of this proclivity previous to this, ‘you’ were just not mindful of it in yourself). We were aware that we liked to tie people up, just not the depth to which this was ingrained, maintained and a part of our makeup.
On the other hand, some of us possibly had relatives, friends or acquaintances when we allowed relations into our secrets (should this have come to pass) said: “I KNEW YOU WERE BENT!!” (of course in many instances these people are the “Aunt Mildred’s” of the world, people who “knew it” no matter whether it was Uncle Henry’s gall bladder or the attack on Pearl Harbor).
This is the difference between our conscious and unconscious realities and why a personal reality is considered very subjective and may not even be obvious to us.
In life there are three types of reality:
1. Subjective and experiential – or that which is developed through time and experiential living by the individual. Including but not limited to socialization, trauma, and personal beliefs. May be comprised of hypothesis or theorem without attribution to any objective or tangible means.
2. Objective – that which is observed by others and is agreed upon by most. A tangibly provable belief or thought. Repeatable or valid through the proof of interactive observation of others conforming to the belief or reality of a situation of the individual’s objective reality and basis.
3. Experiential biologic effects – cognitive association that may or may not be real and is based on the physiological, biochemical, bio-electrical, cytomagnetic, and bio-genetic composition of the mind and body, and, any abnormality involved in these processes.7
These elements of the consciousness compose the chaotic myriad of possible and potential outcomes for each interaction or relevant thing we experience (hence, a major reason for the unpredictability of humans)8. All three play significant and intertwining roles in how we look at, perceive, and react to the world. We are all with them, and, they are all with us.
Communication:
What is the point?
The point is simply this…
Each of these outlooks, processes and means are rife with many angles and oddities for each of us. We all have differing genetics, physiology, experience, beliefs and general ‘make-ups.’ Any deviation from one person to another creates immense and far-reaching changes as time passes on. For each difference, there are millions of possibilities to be experienced in our unique outlooks and (therefore) behavior.
People in this thing we call the “Life” are just as much individuals as any other rational human being; as such, they are prone to the vagaries of experience and thought which all beings are. Because they perceive something in a different light (or color: nee Locke) than we might or do, does not necessarily mean they are incorrect. At the same time, it definitively does not mean they are right.
Right or wrong, we cannot possibly know what the other person is saying without truly listening to them. To listen we have to dedicate ourselves to ‘hearing’ what they are saying, hearing what they mean, and trying to comprehend their position and place in the things they say.
This isn’t easy.
Often times we are faced with someone who you personally do not like, who speaks too quickly or writes in a manner that is too ‘officious’ (perhaps using many footnotes or quotes as though that lends some sort of validity!!9 ), who is offensive in personal habits or manners or customs, someone who behaves in a pompous manner, or assumes they know than you believe (know?) they do… there may be issues too numerous to mention.
“Society cannot share a common communication system so long as it is split into warring factions.”10
But, does this mean they cannot have information that you might find of interest or use in finding out more than you already know about yourself and this life? Knowledge is neither good nor bad, neither evil nor beneficent. It simply is. If you desire to gain in your life and (ancillarily) your happiness, sometimes you must allow yourself (and, I do mean allow) to adjust your mind to the fact that the breakdown in communication does not exist with the person speaking at the time… …but, with yourself.
The next time someone has written something that you find offensive, is speaking with that superior tone which you find upsetting, or is simply someone who pisses you off because they exist… think.
They are only imparting information. You are filling in the rest. Stop, and consider the basis for the statements made without the prejudice. Are they in concert with your thinking? Do they allow for some item or point that should be considered?
It may be of the utmost importance.
1. Lewis Carroll [Charles Lutwidge Dodgson], Through the Looking-Glass, (1872)
2. Abraham Maslow “The Further Reaches of Human Nature”, (1971)
3. Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (1979)
4. William Crain, Theories of Development: Concepts and Applications (4th Edition), (1999)
5. John Locke, ‘Essay Concerning Human Understanding’ (1690).
6. Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe, ‘Propyläen,’ introduction (1798)
7. Robert A. Charman,’The Field Substance of the Mind’ [online]. Perspectives (26Sep97)
8. James Gleick, ‘Chaos, Making a New Science’ (1987)
9. KJPS Howe, “Made Ya Look”, (2002)
10. Bertolt Brecht, “A Short Organum for the Theatre,”(1949).
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