Visiting a BDSM Munch Group

It is all what one makes it in the long run. Most people find me a bit much to take when first we meet despite my gregarious manner and open demeanor… and I have felt the ostracization of the cliques and the clans.So what?

If there are groups that find each other’s company preferable to a community as a whole that is their business and their bailiwick. They might be denying themselves the pleasure of my company and the inclusion of input into areas I might be of assistance with… and a clique is not the entire group.

If even a fraction of the group you are a part of is making these mistakes, then they are certainly not what others may criticize without impunity, as this is a dynamic inherent in social groups. However, when it is taken to the extreme of separation and exclusion, these cliques become isolated from the community at large.

Most BDSM groups I have visited (or been to – and there are possibly over 100 in my time) have folks who are sitting on the fringes in their own world and not involving themselves in the ‘whole’ of the group… fine. Their loss.

Almost all of these groups have had friendly and outgoing people who seek out the ‘newbie’ (either through an appointed position of “Welcomer”, or through the natural charm of their personality). Groups generally welcome the new person into the group as ‘one of our own’.

I have been to a few meetings where there is no attempt at inclusion. I usually make myself a part of the ‘whole’ by engaging others in conversation or by establishing a reporte’ before I go (e-mailing a member or knowing them on line first, et al). And, therefore avoid the ‘slings and arrows’ of my own expectations and that uncomfortable feeling and impression that ‘no one likes me’ at the start (of course they do not like me, they do not know me… and do not know how freaking wonderful I am ;-).

The other thing is that there are some meetings I have been to (one I can think of off-hand) where no one new was welcomed… I had the impression I was being  ‘foisted’ upon them by one member… and, they definitively allowed me to know it. I resented it… I left.

I have also been to places where it appeared that there was this sort of exclusive inclusion in place, only to return a second time and be welcomed as a long departed friend…

If I might suggest, if someone really wants to go to a meeting or munch:

1. Go with a friend.

2. If you do not have a friend there, write to the group requesting a dominant (if you are dominant) or an unattached submissive (if you are submissive) contact you via email or through a messenger service (MSN, yahoo, etc).

3. Find out about the group before you go. Many are not ‘play parties’. But, some are. If you are not interested in seeing people play, do not go. If you are nervous about it, talk to someone. No one will force you to do anything you do not want to do; and you should not allow yourself to be influenced. Make a decision before you go about the length of your participation and stick to it. No regrets.

Most groups are formal or informal discussions about a topic of interest, or, just a gathering of friends to talk. If it is the latter, one might feel left out of the conversation through a mutuality of the groups cohesion. It is usually not intentional, but is necessary for the people talking. They may have issues they desire input on and this is their one opportunity for the week or the month to get feedback. Listen in if it is not too private, and give input if you have something to add. You can tell more about other people at these moments than you normally would in a social interaction because their guards are down and their ‘social face’ is placed aside to garner the answers they need.

4. Find out if there is a topic for the evening… and make plans to go if it interests you (or, does not push buttons) – there can be no worse ‘first impression’ than to take a contrary position to the speaker’s when it is not invited (not that I have done this – [cough]).

5. PARTICIPATE in the conversation – often times our own expectations or feelings get in the way of our enjoyment of a situation we find ourselves in…. and the definition of a community demands that participation as we might provide. Otherwise, how might we become a part of it?
6. As well as participating, there is a remembrance to not force oneself upon the proceedings and people.

I know we can all recall an incident where someone has imposed themselves into a conversation, often times by driving a tangent into it’s natural flow, or by restating forcefully an already covered point. Whereas, we should not inhibit our participation, we should be wary that we are not ‘beating our way’ into the group. People resent it when the natural flow of conversation is interrupted, or damaged; and through association they may naturally resent the speaker as well.

7. Going once is not a “tell all” of the group and its people. First impressions of an organization are often colored by our expectations (or the destruction of the same) and the individuals we speak with. Individuals are not the group and sometimes the people we meet first are those that are the worst to form a consensus of opinion about the ‘whole’ (I have found that there is cause to believe that (at times) the ones who overtly look for new people [and force themselves upon them] do so because no one else will suffer their conversation for very long).

8. (Most Important) Leave your expectations and beliefs at home (especially if you have never been to a meeting before). These are real people, with real feelings and real lives. This is not a gathering of ‘whackos’ who are there for your titillation or ‘fun’. They are people who meet because of a common denomination and friendship; and they are, like yourself, sensitive to others’ opinions. Don’t stare, and think before you speak.

Other than that, have fun…. That is why you are there.